He's More Myself Than I Am
by Hera93
Summary: SSLE - Wuthering Heights cover. My first ever fan fic. R&R please.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters and merely the plot of the story. **

* * *

**Chapter 1**

Emerald eyes opened slowly as the first dim light of the day slid its way through the heavy curtains of her bed. She stood still for a while, her body soaking the warmth of the bedsheets surrounding her as she let a contented purr escape her lips. Finally, she stretched herself lazily and ran her fingers through the length of her red mop of hair as she tried to make herself get up.

She began dressing up, staring out of the dorm's window to the lake. In two weeks time, she wouldn't be able to see all this again ever. Graduation was ahead, coming along with bitter-sweet feelings for her. She wasn't sure she was ready to leave Hogwarts, that she would be able to start her own independent life from now on. She didn't even know what and whom she wanted any more.

Walking down the stairs from the girls' dormitory to the Gryffindor common room, her eye caught two boys by the fireplace. The one of them had sandy brown hair and grey eyes. He seemed very pale and somehow exhausted, but his eyes were twinkling warmly. The other one had jet-black hair and when his brown eyes locked with hers, she felt herself shaking slightly.

"Hey, Lily", he called, his eyes still fixed on her, a look of total adoration on his face.

"'Morning, boys. Where's Sirius, Peter?", she responded, fixing her skirt as she descended.

"Upstairs. Peter's sleeping. Sirius is taking a bath – he's been a pain really, washing himself at least three times a day. He says he doesn't want to smell bad to the ladies."

She chuckled softly.

"Heading downstairs, aren't you? Mind if we joined you?", he asked as she made a move to the portrait hole.

"No problem", she retorted and the three of them walked out of the portrait.

By the time they entered the Great Hall, she had already spotted him. He was filling his bowl with cereals when he tracked her down too; she felt his gaze following her like a shadow while she walked to the Gryffindor table and then had herself seated between the boys. She smiled at him across the tables. He didn't return it; he looked rather angry. Her heart missed a beat.

"Oh, don't tell me you're still friends with _Snivellus_, Lily", James exclaimed as he followed her glance. "Not after what he called you."

"And what if I do?", she protested lightly. "Would you pass the jam please, Remus?"

"Well, it isn't only that, Lily", Remus said bluntly as he passed the jam. "We thought you knew."

"Knew what?"

"Well, it seems that Snivellus is officially a Death Eater."

"What?!", she asked loudly.

"Oh, it's a common secret", James continued. "He's been seen with some of them, during the Easter holidays to be precise, just before the Prewetts' attack. Thought he might have mentioned it, since you two are such _close_ friends...", he added, sarcasm and a dash of envy apparent in his voice.

No, there must have been a mistake. He would never have done so. He had promised her he never would...

"How dare you try to degrade him in my eyes in such a way, James!", she exclaimed, leaving her fork down. "This is so _pathetic_ of you!"

"Why don't you go ask him? If he's a true friend, he'll let you have a look on his left arm, won't he?", James dared her, a scornful look on his face.

Her face flushed. She opened her mouth to reply but she remained agape, finding nothing to say.

"Fine", she said finally and stood up, hurrying out of the Great Hall, confused and dumbstruck by the news.

What if all this was true? What if he had betrayed her for the second time? She knew her wounded pride would not stand it this time. It hurt her even to think of it.

Suddenly, she felt a strong hand grab her arm fiercely.

"You are coming with me. Now", he demanded, dragging her with him inside an empty classroom.

"Now, what is this?", she asked, rubbing her arm on the place he had grabbed her.

"_You_ tell me", he responded in a low yet brisk tone. "Why are you_ again_ with Potter?"

"Why shouldn't I be? What's wrong with you, Severus?", she replied, his eyes piercing hers.

"I saw the way he looked at you."

"So what?" Shouldn't people even look at me now?"

"It is not like that and you know it."

"Oh yeah? And how is it, then?"

It was his turn to remain open-mouthed without saying something. Then, he went on changing the subject.

"Why do you always have to hang out with _them_?", he asked, a little more louder.

"Oh, really!", she exclaimed.

"Yes! See that?", he said, drawing out of his pocket something and handing it to her.

"What is that? A calendar?"

"Yes. The dots are the days you spent with me and the crosses the days you spent with him."

She looked at it momentarily. Then she laughed silently, handing it back to him.

"So?", she said, her eyes twinkling.

"_So_? We haven't even spent together an afternoon in three weeks."

"And? I don't understand why you cared to keep track of it – _I _didn't notice."

She was lying. Of course she had noticed. But after all, he had called her a mudblood. He had hurt her pride and feelings and so she decided it was best to keep her distance so as he would apologize. He didn't. In fact, this was the first time in those three weeks he spoke to her.

"But_I_ _notice_, Lils", he retorted, his voice resembling his irritation. Then his tone softened. "I see you becoming more and more distant and I have no idea why this happens and I can't -"

"Is it true you have joined Voldemort?"

Her question came like a bolt from the blue and hit him under the belt. He turned to face her abruptly. Her eyes were pleading.

"Please, answer me", she whispered. "I need to know."

"I..I, well..", he started saying.

"The truth, Sev", she said, closing her eyes tight.

"Yes", he finally said, bending his head down.

She turned her head away. The bell rang for their first class in the back of her mind but she didn't care. She started trembling.

"Look at me", she demanded, her voice as firm as it could be.

He didn't react. She took his head in her hands.

"Look at me, Severus."

His eyes met hers and as their gazes locked she saw fear in his eyes for the very first time.

"Show me."

It was so simple yet so intense. _Show me _she asked and there was no fail on what she was asking him to show. As he rolled up his left sleeve she held her breath. Then she faced it – the black skull with the serpent coming out of its mouth. She hid her face into her palms.

A soothing hand came to caress her hair in comfort but she stopped it. He tried to hide it but she caught his hand and held it tight. She studied the mark on his arm once more. Without intending to, her fingers caressed lightly its shape. The mark grew slightly darker.

"How could you?", she asked bitterly as she faced him again. She took no reply. "How could you betray me once more? You promised me...You promised..."

"I'm sorry", he retorted as he bent down his head once more, ashamed to face her.

"Don't be."

As she walked out of the room she gave him one last look.

She knew what she had to do now.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: A big thank you to all of you that reviewed, especially to Alexia who encouraged me to post this story. :) **

**- To digitaljungle80: Indeed, Severus must have been inspired by Heathcliff - actually the whole plot of 'Wuthering Heights' fits perfectly well when it comes to Severus and Lily's romance. That's why I decided to have a go and write it.**

* * *

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. Lily's 'monologue' is almost precisely taken from the book 'Wuthering Heights' written by Emily Bronte.**

* * *

**Chapter 2**

The days passed by quickly and the N.E.W.T.s became a fading memory in the seventh year students' minds as summer arrived, bringing with it the end-of-term feast and the seventh years' graduation party. Walking down the corridors on her last day at the castle that had been her home for the last seven years, Lily found herself surrounded by cheerful faces longing to get to the train as soon as possible, others longing to see their families again, others yearning for holiday relaxation. However, she was not looking forward to it that much. Only a week ago, James had come and knelt in front of her and the rest of the Gryffindors. _"Please, Lily. You know I love you more than anything. Marry me after school is over"_, he had said and every one in the common room turned to their direction as he almost hung upon her lips waiting for an answer, his eyes wide from his eagerness. She didn't want to cause him pain by turning him down; James was the one who wanted her with all his heart and seemed capable to make her happy. _He_ only brought tears in her eyes because he never let her in. She would not forgive nor stand this any more; eventually, she accepted James' proposal. She was to be Mrs Potter now. In fact, her marriage was to be held three weeks later.

Later that evening, after she made sure that all her personal belongings were safely put in order in her trunk, she put a locking charm on it and then decided to have one last look in her small mirror she had kept out before going downstairs to meet James. The reflection of her eyes almost scared her - why there had to be so much sadness? What if he noticed? She shook off that thought and threw the mirror on her bed as she smoothed her hair and opened the door of the girls' dorm.

She descended the stairs to the common room where she found him waiting for her. Remus, Sirius and Peter were with him, as well as Sirius' date, Ellen, a sixth year who non-stop giggled, not believing that Sirius had asked her to accompany him to the party. Sirius let out a wolf-whistle as soon as he spotted her.

"My, my", he said, a smirk formed on his lips, "dying to impress us all, aren't you?"

"Oh, shove it", she replied, making a face at him. She looked at James who approached her. She forced a smile. "Shouldn't we be going?"

"Yes", he replied, pressing his lips on her cheek, his eyes smiling.

He hadn't noticed, after all.

* * *

The night was still young when she found herself running out of the castle with no precise destination in her mind. Everything felt wrong: The graduation paper. The couples dancing tightly embraced in the Great Hall. The champagne served in crystal glasses. Sirius' laughter. James' arm snaked around her waist possessively. 

In the end, she found her way to the lonely ebony tree by the lake shore. She always enjoyed sitting under its foliage in the afternoon after her classes and read a book or just sit there, staring at the peaceful waters of the lake, the cool breeze coming from the hills surrounding Hogwarts making her hair dance around her face and letting her mind drift wherever it pleased. As she sprawled against the trunk of the tree, she threw somewhere near her hat and graduation paper and closed her eyes, letting a breath she was suppressing for a while out.

She had scanned the Great Hall over and over but it seemed _he_ had managed to disappear from the face of earth. Merlin only knew how much she wanted to look into his eyes again, even if it was for the last time in her life and tell him how she felt, how much she wanted to take his hand and vanish from everything and everyone.

But he had chosen his path. This path would lead him to a future that could not include her.

She sighed deeply and hugged herself with her arms, rocking herself slightly, murmuring the melody of a song under her breath, her eyes always shut. She didn't notice the tall figure approaching her. Then she heard footsteps and opened her eyes abruptly. _Remus_.

"Lily", he called, his voice warm and friendly as always. "James is looking for you. He had us search around for you", he added as he sat beside her against the tree. "Why are you here alone?"

She smiled and turned her face to the moon which shone above the lake, making the water shimmer.

"Just needed to be somewhere less crowded", she replied quietly, never letting the moon off her gaze. "Somewhere where I could be with my self for a while...to think."

"I see", he replied calmly. "Is something troubling your mind?"

"Should there be?", she said, addressing this question more to herself than him.

Silence fell between them for a little while; then Remus took his turn to speak.

"Lily...Do you _really_ love James?"

It might not have been the best moment to ask this, but he felt like asking since she had accepted James' proposal. He knew that she had been more friendly with James lately, but deep inside, he doubted she felt the same way he did for her.

She looked at him surprised. She didn't expect such a question from him.

"_Yes_", she retorted earnestly, "I love him for he loves me."

He gave her a glare.

"There should be something more to love someone", he pointed out severely.

"Okay, I guess it's his looks too", she added with a taunting smile.

"And you find that enough?"

"Isn't it?"

"I think not."

She remained quiet.

"What made you accept James' proposal?", he went on, his voice a little tighter from his effort to put the question as softly as it could be.

She inhaled.

"I don't know", she said after a moment. "Why do you ask, really?", she added, her tone a little more tense than it was before.

He gave her no reply. He kept looking at her while she gazed at the moon, her eyes searching for something that was undefinable.

"Do you think I made the right decision?", she questioned moments later as her eyes finally left the moon to stare at his.

"If someone should marry if he loves being loved by the other and finds the other attractive then yes", he responded, trying to hold an ironic laugh. "Where is the discouragement?"

"_Here!_ And_ here!_", she replied, striking her hand on her forehead and chest. "Remus, I don't think you could ever understand, but something in my heart tells me I'm wrong."

"I guess I expected something like that", he stated calmly, looking into her eyes. "It all happened too fast to be sincere...But, yet, I don't -"

"I...", she started saying but cut her sentence. She turned her gaze to the lake.

"I have no more business to marry James Potter than I have in Voldemort's ranks. And if Severus had not chosen this path, I shouldn't have thought of it. It would be against my beliefs and principles to marry him, now; so he shall never know how I love him; and that not because he's handsome or well-mannered or something like that. It is because he's more _myself_ than I am", she let out, her voice trembling. "He's always, _always _in my mind, not as a pleasure but as my own _being_...", she continued, her voice now barely a whisper. "My love for him will always be there, a source of little visible delight but necessary...Do you understand, now?"

Remus stood there, speechless. She had just poured her heart out to him. There was no remorse or formality; there was only one truth, yearning for so long to be told and now it was finally let out, giving healing comfort to its keeper. As he took her cold hand into his and squeezed it in understanding, he mentally noted an undefinable sound like a whimper coming from the bushes behind them.

"But I think it's better things turned out this way. I don't want him to be around, not now that he betrayed me twice...It would be the best if he stayed away from me...", she told him quietly as she lent forward to lie her head against him. "That is why -"

She heard the movement behind the bushes and stood up. Her eye only managed to catch a tall figure run away from there as fast as it could.

"Oh my", Remus said uneasily. "It seems he heard everything."

"Who? Was it _Severus_?", she replied, her face resembling her agony.

"'fraid so."

No, he couldn't be.

"_Severus!"_, she cried out in the dark. No reply. "Did you see where he headed to?", she asked Remus anxiously, an expression of fear on her face.

"I think he ran to Hagrid's cabin...", he responded uncertain.

"I have to find him, I must -", said she and left, leaving Remus behind by the lake.

Only when she reached the cabin's back garden she stopped running. She looked around, her eyes searching frantically for a glimpse of him in the dark. Suddenly, she heard a sound of wings flapping and turned her head to its direction. A hippogriff was taking flight, having on its back a black, tall figure, hugging its neck tight with its arms. Her eyes widened in despair.

"_Severus!_", she cried once again. The figure didn't turn its head, but she knew it was him. Flying away from her.

She watched the hippogriff fly until it became a barely visible spot in the starry sky. Then, the rain started falling from heaven, just as she bent her head down and the first teardrop cascaded down on her cheek.

* * *

When James came to summon her along with Remus, the rain had already soaked her clothes on her lean figure and drenched her hair, as well as it had washed any indication of tears from her face. They found her sitting on the wet earth, legs crossed, her eyes gazing to the direction where the hippogriff had flown. James spoke to her but she couldn't hear him. 

She neither sensed that he leapt her in his arms and returned her to the castle.


End file.
